It’s as the title says. Moving to Vancouver soon has had me spending a lot of time scoping out the apartment scene on craigslist; outlook not so good. Basement suites so ugly you’d be sure they were being rented out by Mephistopheles. Upon viewing an ad the other night for an L shaped bachelor with a twin sized bed, a fold down wall mounted table surface the size of a dinner plate, a single folding metal chair, microwave eleven feet up on an ikea shelving unit and one bunsen burner -no fridge, television, windows or bathroom- for $765, I underwent a mild panic attic.
Quickly one learns that euphemisms like quirky, funky, artsy, cozy, and snug translate to damp, cavernous, subterranean, and practically Dickensian. Cabin means garage. Garden suite means basement. Basement suite means bomb shelter. Budget priced means bat cave.
Get this. I’d be paying four hundred bananas just to SHARE a living room with another human being. How much money does a person have to fork out to secure a sex life in this world?
It’s craigslist Vancouver that has opened my mind to the concept of the exposed bathroom. “Come on in guys. So this is my place, and this is….. uh….. my toilet……” I suppose I was too I shock by what I’d just seen to think of saving the pictures from that add, or rest assured I’d be backing this up. Another ad bragged about the in suite Jacuzzi, imagine, it urged, that that could be YOUR lifestyle! The luxury! But, wait, you guess it, the Jacuzzi is in the living room, which is also the bedroom and kitchen! Only once in my life have I seen an exposed Jacuzzi before now, and I was staying in a motel in New Jersey in a swamp under a bridge because of a lightening storm. And in case you don’t believe me, this time I got evidence.
High roller!
Another new found pet peeve; turquoise carpeting. Turquoise. Bright fucking aquamarine. Nothing quite brings out the lowness of a ceiling like a vast expanse of pure chromatic nightmare. There must have been some sort of boom in the 1980’s in Vancouver when an enormous amount of affluence was spent on an enormous amount of carpet. This must be how the Germans feel looking back on Hitler. All I can imagine is some evil carpet factory somewhere in Surrey or Delta, smoke stacks spewing toxic black clouds, pumping out a single, unending sheet of turquoise carpeting out to the horizon, evil foreman overseeing it all, fingers curling in malevolent delight as he laughs diabolically.
As you can see in the carpet sample below, at some point someone thought it appropriate to finish an entire suite in lego grass.
And another example. Check out this rug!! Red, someone passionate must have picked this out. Funny, it kind of reminds me of the colour and pattern they used in Super Mario to represent deadly LAVA.
Now say you’re sitting on your ass after a long day smoking pot and working at Ikea as I imagine most Vancouverites do. All of a sudden the craving strikes you for a slice of delicious plastic wrapped Kraft cheese. Now most assholes would have to get up, walk to the kitchen, get the cheese, and come all the way back. Suckers.
Your life is complete!
Ok, so I might seem outspokenly superficial here. I can respect that not everybody has the money to re-renovate their heinous 80’s renovations. So what Surrey and Burnaby and Richmond are so ugly the ambience drains one of their will to live? I know that at the end of the day everyone’s just trying to pay their mortgage… That’s not the point. The point is that even the apartments I’ve listed here are out of my price range.
I’m seriously freaking out. I’m going insane. I’m so nervous I’m falling back into my old habits; I find empty chip bags and have no idea where they came from! I’m fighting my old nemesis, the carb-devil, and losing!
How the hell is this going to happen?? How am I going to make the next year of my life work? Even working, even with student loans, even with what little help my mom can give, I won’t have enough. Not by a long shot.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m gonna either have to start hooking or killing people.
